Totally stuck in love
RELATIONS: painful love
Text: Kaire Talviste / published in magazine Estonian Woman
Love is blind, it won′t stop before it catches you. You can′t fall asleep as at nights it throws little stones against your window. Love is blind and one day it catches everyone… – sounds the song of Leslie Da Bass. If you have been caught by blind love, you know that life will never be the same again.
Love is a lovely experience until your feelings get answered, when the loved one treats you kindly and you have the possibility to build a mutual future. Sometimes this is the case and it′s a huge luck. For the rest of us who are less fortunate, the euphoric experience can also bring torture and pain. It is far from being a laughing matter as we know that some fall into depression and commit suicide because of unanswered love.
We experience loss in the deepest level, when the feelings don′t flow both ways and we are powerless to change the situation.
If we value, appreciate and long for someone, we experience loss in the deepest level, when the feelings don′t flow both ways and we are powerless to change the situation. It can also amplify our perception of our unworthiness, inner emptiness and personal lacks. Painful love is often the reason to come to therapy: it′s hard to find a reason to crawl out of bed in the morning; pain will be drowned into alcohol; when life seems gloomy, grey and hopeless. Who wouldn′t have heard it′s wise to move on, to meet someone new… Anyway, you are neither open to it or have the knowledge about how to do it.
The stories with no beginning and no end
There are number of scenarios about how to reach that point in your life. You′re so in love, but the other one doesn′t even know you exist, for example. It′s an awful torture, sadly the feeling isn′t leaving you because of that! It will dig holes into you, creating fantasies about the loved one which often have little touch with reality.
Should you suddenly notice, that the prince has holes in his socks, it might be a shocking wake-up call.
Projections rule: s/he is the most in everything and has no flaws. Should you suddenly notice, that the prince has holes in his socks, it might be a shocking
wake-up call. Nevertheless, with no guarantees the feeling will disappear. It might happen that you′ll continue loving him like he is – the man with holes in his socks. The same goes about women.
Let′s say you′re able to pass through your message, but s/he doesn′t feel the same or is unavailable. Now you face rejection and embarrassment in the most vulnerable matter we have – in the heart matter. It is reason good enough to keep your mouth shut and never reveal what is going on inside of you. You don′t get either yes or no, so you continue dreaming and hoping…
Painful realization comes along that love isn′t a cure for everything.
No one is safe from the shadow of blind love, not even the ones who start life together. Something happens (deepening addiction, affair etc.) and you experience how a partner who has once been so close to you slips through your fingers like sand. Painful realization comes along that love isn′t a cure for everything – what a disappointment! The following pain is so deep, acute and sharp that you don′t risk to open your heart fully again. You prefer safe distance and the life becomes a bit more greyish.
Your loved one might turn out to be someone else you saw at first, might treat you terribly but you won′t leave because s/he is “so your person”, “needs you so much” – little by little your life looks more unbearable. At the end you don′t even know anymore what are you holding on to – the fantasy, hope that s/he will change or is it a sick love.
Obsessed by love
For many it′s hard to get over the separation, looking back to the relationship you see only good things. You might be filled with regret about what you did and didn′t do, you might even think everything depended on you, you could have saved that relationship… You see the picture of your ex in Facebook and it strikes through your body. Your whole day and the next ones are disturbed, your thoughts and dreams dwell around him or her. You pass though the places you know you two might meet. You wait for your ex to make contact and then you call yourself just to get a new painful experience of how hopeless it is between two of you.
It might take years even decades when parts of us are occupied with no-beginning-no-end story.
You hear the no and still you′re not able to move on. It is easy to be stuck with love even when the relationship is over or hasn′t ever started. With this knowledge the words of Da Bass sound threatening: as the blind love has caught you, you′re unable to meet someone new. The talk isn′t about months, it might take years even decades when parts of us are occupied with no-beginning-no-end story.
I′ve heard adults angry talk to themselves as they believe being the only “fools” who heat the air with their love. Being stuck with love isn′t that rare at all. Naturally it′s hard to be kind to yourself at times when we get unstoppably shouted to our ears how we should live, change ourselves and what tricks to play out to fish the “right one”. Everything not working properly should be quickly replaced against better and newest model. Even people! We get handled like computer programs and some courses even proclaim to upgrade us to the level 2.0. Of course you get annoyed with yourself: how can′t I let go even I do realize how impossible and hopeless this relationship is?
Your capacity to love
Love is magic and does not obey the logic or will, revealing through this most purely our vulnerability as human beings. We can′t control to whom we fall in love or who falls in love with us. We can′t control the start or the end of love. We might think that the other one is perfect for us, all parameters fit – AND – if the feeling is missing you can′t force it and there is very little you can start up with all the good qualities.
Love is magic and does not obey the logic or will, revealing through this most purely our vulnerability as human beings.
Love is most powerful feeling and allowing it to fill all the space in you it needs, might be very scary. For this reason it′s so tempting to start an angry inner war against it. Most of your friends will support this war as they want the best for you and it might also be, they can′t cope with their own love-feelings. Love will not recede before logic or force – try to push and you′ll see how the feeling grows even stronger.
The best you can do, is to accept how things are with you. Yes, it is hard, it is painful, it might be irrational – and it is your feeling. Your ability to go that deep in loving someone, putting your faith on that person, believing in him or her. The way you see that person, no one else sees, and this is the treasure of love.
The way you see that person, no one else sees, and this is the treasure of love.
Loving is never foolish or in vain – you′ll be born again for someone you love. That feeling helps us to discover ourselves, if we know how to look inside. With every relationship – may it be real or dreamed one – you develop or notice new sides in you. The parts which might have stayed in shadow without that person. Love gives sparkle and depth to life, world without it would be a much more boring place. Like Goethe has said: “Oh, what a luck to be loved and to love is even bigger luck.”
We need to get to know our love, acknowledge and appreciate it – this is the way to grow as a human. Often accepting support is needed to handle the powerful love inside… But, one moment you′re ready – without any push or force – to move on towards new relationship!